the road to getting pregnant was no easy feat for john and i. pregnancy, on the other hand, was not too shabby. and the labor part, well...dare i say "easy"...yes i shall. in a very, very, very, stark comparison, the postpartum period was a whole different story. ella is now almost 3 months old, and i'm feeling much more confident and relaxed about things. the haze and fog is slowly lifting up thanks to the fact that gabriella is sleeping about 5 hours a night now. i'm slowly reclaiming myself back and want to share with you how my postpartum experience swept me off my feet...not in a good way.
after i delivered gabriella, i think i was running on pure adrenaline for the first 3 days. i got admitted to the hospital on tuesday night. her birth day was on wednesday at 5:15 am and we got discharged from the hospital the next day, thursday, late in the afternoon. it was a whirl wind. of course everyone wanted to see her. so, we had a ton of family come to the hospital throughout the day showering us with support and love. luckily, my labor wasn't too bad, so i was walking around and not in much pain. i think john and i were up for 33 hours straight the first 2 days.
when ella was born i didn't have the overwhelming emotional feeling that i've heard and read about. instead, i went into caregiver mode...making sure she was breathing ok, peeing, pooping, breastfeeding, making sure she was warm and safe and healthy. i guess you can say i was very task oriented those first few days. it wasn't until a few days later when i got home and was finally able to have some quiet alone time with my baby is when i was able to finally feel connected to her. is that weird? is that normal? i'm not sure, but that's how i felt.
another thing that took me by surprise was that when i left the hospital, i looked 6 months pregnant but i wasn't swollen...yet. i had thought i missed that bullet of labor, but then i began to get swollen on the fourth day following our hospital discharge. john said that i looked like i had a severe allergic reaction to a bee sting. my hole body...from cankles to sausage fingers...and my face! my lips, cheeks, and eye lids were unrecognizable. i wish i took a picture. no, actually...i'd rather forget all about those first few days. it actually took 2, almost 3 weeks for the swelling to subside.
now don't even get me started on the emotional roller coaster i was on those first few weeks. poor john. i was feeling very disconnected, sad, angry, ugly. i would say i was feeling every kind of feeling, except happiness. i think i was even jealous that everyone, especially john, seemed to be over flowing with love for ella and i was not. they don't call it postpartum blues for nothing. one tip for fathers: support the woman that gives birth to your child. whether it is showering her with love, kindness, attention, or giving her space. whatever she needs, especially those first few weeks after birth...DO IT. trust me, just DO IT.
another unexpected thing that happened to me was that my hands started to hurt. i mean, they really started to hurt to the point where i was freaking out about it because it was almost debilitating. i learned that carpal tunnel syndrome is common after labor. it's getting better now, almost 3 months later, but my hands still hurt/tingle/feel numb at times.
these things, on top of severe sleep deprivation, cracked and bleeding nipples, learning how to breast feed, dealing with stitches in places where there shouldn't be stitches, and worrying to death that you are doing what is right for your new baby is very overwhelming.
but, it does get better. seriously, it really does! i'm feeling really good now and my love for my baby seems to grow everyday. with every smile and coo she shows me, my heart just melts. she's the best thing that has ever happened to john and i. life is so much better now that she is in it. i feel so honored to be gabriella's mama and i thank God everyday for blessing us with a beautiful baby girl.
in conclusion, despite my horrible postpartum experience, i wouldn't change a thing because in the end, i got my wish...i became a mom to the most perfect and beautiful baby girl.
PS
i wanted to share with you a little bit about my postpartum experience. sometimes people don't want to talk about the "ugly" stuff. and sometimes when you are feeling the "ugly" stuff, you can feel alone...but don't because you...no...we...are not alone.
