2012. What a year.

2012 was an interesting year.  it really taught me that in life, when a door closes, sooner or later, another one opens.  as i think back to the earlier part of the year, i can remember feelings of sadness, anger, and jealousy.  i'm really embarrassed to even admit that those feelings were a part of me because deep inside, i know i was/am truly blessed and lucky for all the good things in my life.  but sometimes, one cannot see beyond one's own nose.  that kind of tunnel vision can really mess you up.  it's toxic for your mind, body, and your loved ones around you.  pregnancy is such a beautiful journey, but when 1 month turns into 3, then turns into 6, then turns into a year, then turns into 2 years, the journey somehow losses it's appeal and looks and feels more like the worst ride of your life.  if you're like me, then you're used to working hard for what you want and achieving it.  fertility, is whole other ball game.  conception is truly a miracle if you look at the statistics.  the odds are actually against you.  now, if you are one of those lucky women who can get pregnant at a drop of a hat, then awesome for you.  but for the rest of us, it may not happen that easily.  even with help from western medicine, it is still up to God to make it happen.  

in the beginning of the year, john and i were trying to get our mind off of things and decided to do some traveling.  one of our favorite pass times.  some of the places we went were new orleans, new york, and boston.  we just love exploring big cities.

we also decided to do some running to get our mind off of things.  here are some of the things we saw during our runs.

then the most amazing, wonderful, and epic thing happened to us.  we got pregnant.  and the pregnancy stuck.  wow, what a game changer.  so long to anger, sadness, and jealousy.  it's mind boggling to experience such a dramatic turnaround.  one minute you feel one way, and the next minute you feel something completely different.  without sounding hokey, it really is kind of  life changing.  of course, i was cautious to let my emotions loose and feel too happy because of the fear of having a miscarriage again.  but we got through the first trimester, and the second, and now we're in the long stretch.  until, i actually see and feel her in my arms, i'm  not totally letting go.  it's just too surreal for me.  the funny thing is, is that i thought getting pregnant would somehow give me some relief.  ironically it didn't.  throughout the pregnancy, i was always worried of something whether it was a pain, a test result, a symptom.  now i'm thinking about the labor, and hoping it goes well.  i'm also praying that she's healthy and strong.  i'm also worried about breast feeding.  geez, does the anxiety ever let up???  the funny thing is, is that i know that my fears and anxieties will never let up.  you reach one hurdle of life, and another one...sometimes, even bigger hurdle presents itself.  but that's what's so unique and special about life.  how boring would it be to have everything perfect and neat and expected.  john always said that life is about the journey and not the destination.  God made us wait to have our first child.  the long wait made this pregnancy that more sweeter of a ride.  we feel so blessed beyond our wildest dreams.  life is no where near perfect for us...we're still looking for a house, my career is not exactly where i want it to be, we are still bogged down by problems and insecurities just like everyone else.  but at least the tunnel vision opened up a bit.  we can finally see beyond our noses and feel gratitude and humbled by what God gave us.  oh 2012, what a year it has been.  cheers to you!  2013, what are you going to bring to the table????